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Spiritually Correct

Like bad critics focused on the infractions of a constructed aesthetic theory, Spiritually Correct people focus on “rules”, not beauty or content.

What I want to know is, how did all the rules get in here? Maybe they're so strict and skinny that they slipped in through the cracks like a tall, scary character that used to sit on my bed back in my drinking days. I called him the "vampire priest" because he looked kind of like the scary death guy from Poltergeist II. If you didn't see that movie, just picture an old skinny guy with sunken 'cheeks wearing coal black like he just slid down the chimney of sin.

That's what rulemakers look like. They are the thin-lipped, scary ones who haunt you if you aren't Spiritually Correct. They come in a feminine form, too, which Catholics might know as Sister Very Nasty, I'm pretty sure all religions have them and, as I said, they sort of snuck into the House of God through the cracks and now they are pa-trolling the aisles like they own the place. They don't. God does, but they forgot that.

Spiritually Correct people aren't too long on honesty. From their perspective, honesty has bad spiritual grammar. You can't say "Stop it! I hate what you're doing!" in simple declarative sentences. No, you are supposed to use the tangled and tortured and Spiritually Correct form that goes "I am certain it's just me and something I should work on and an area where I need to do a little more work, but it really bothers me—and I know it's my problem—that you are standing on my goddamn foot!" But they leave out the "god-damn."

Spiritually Correct people think they are God's favorites. They think God loves them best because they are so purrrfect. So, they often act a little smug when they share the bad news that you are doing something Spiritually In-correct and God might drop you for it. They love to say scary things like "I'm sure you couldn't be aware of this, but it's been found that eating chocolate can cause you to run away with Satan and burn in hell. There's a reason they call it devil's food!" Actually, they are usually a little more vague, like "I noticed you were eating chocolate. Are you sure that's a good idea? I mean, refined sugar can cause problems when you meditate. .

Obviously, being so skinny and strict, they were not given the big gooey blobs of honey-soaked stuff you some-times get handed after you visit the guru. They weren't told that an occasional hot fudge sundae might do a lot to improve their spiritual condition. They think if you must do something like that, you might want to try Rice Ice with Chocolate Fake on it.

Spiritually Correct people can be pretty exhausting and they sure make it hard to throw a dinner party. No matter how yummy whatever you cook may be, you can be pretty sure that somebody will disapprove of something. And say so in a Spiritually Correct Wet Blanket way:

"Oh, is that chocolate . . . ?"

"Mmm, I don't eat anything that had a mother . ."

"I hope you don't mind, I brought my own little bag of Vita Greens."

Now, you might think that I am just talking about California here and pretending I am talking about everybody, but I've run into this in Upstate New York:

"What I think I need is a hamburger."

"A hamburger."


"Don't you mean a veggie burger?"


"A turkey burger?"


I have never been able to figure out why it was more Spiritually Correct to eat fish, but I'm a Pisces, so maybe I am just a little sensitive.... I have never been able to figure out why chickens and cows had different spiritual values. And am I the only one who hears the lettuce shriek when you yank it out of the ground? I will show you spiritual! My theory is that it all matters. Its all sacred and we get further knowing that and holding it in mind than we do making rules about it. Personally. I think everything is conscious. Except maybe Spiritually Correct people who may be more like zombies.

God is No Laughing Matter – pg 71-4